Hello fanny pack. Meet my cell phone.

Ah, the fanny pack.

It's like a Baby Bjorn for old people.

And to my Aunt Callie, it's like heaven with a self-adjustable waist strap...the best thing since sliced bread.

I'm exactly 5 years, 1 month, and 28 days away from owning one. That's right. I figure by the time I turn 40, I'll be able to carry around all of my necessities right there within arms' reach. No more purses with annoying straps falling off my shoulder. No more worrying about someone stealing my purse in the front of the shopping cart at Wal-Mart while I walk away to get the barbecue sauce.

And no more asking the kids, "Has anyone see my purse?" Ah, never mind. There it is. Right there on my waist for all to see and adore.

And the options and varieties are endless.

There's this one for the fashionable:

Or this one with a handy, dandy pocket for my cell phone:Of course I seem to be the only one left on the planet that doesn't have an iPhone, a Droid, or at the very least a Blackberry. Ken doesn't believe in any phone that gets internet access. Not even a little bit. Zilcho. Nada. I know Ken...$60 a month (for 2 phones) times 12 month a year = $720 a year. I get it.

So what. My cell phone was super cool when I got it almost 3 years ago. And it's better than the flip phone that Mark Paul Gosselaar used in NYPD Blue. Beat that.

It doesn't have internet access...or email...and doesn't allow me to see pictures when people email them to me. Big deal. But that doesn't stop me from picking it up every now and then and pretending like it's touch activiated anyway. One of these days it just might work.

And on a side note: if I see one more teenage girl that can text on a cell phone faster than I can type on my computer keyboard, I'm seriously gonna take her down.

So for now, I'm stepping down off of my soapbox and taking my antique cell phone with me. And if someone sees me in 5 years, 1 month and 28 days donning a fanny pack, please just shoot me and hide my body. Wait a second. Shoot me. Unstrap the fanny pack. And then hide my body. Mission Accomplished.