The following is a true story. While the events you are about to read about are in fact true, last names have been abbreviated to provide anonymity.
You've undoubtedly heard by now that, of course, Michael Jackson has officially died. Dead. Deceased. Gone from this Earth. And unless you live in a shack in the middle of the woods with "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background, you've heard at least one MJ classic song on the radio or T.V. since his untimely death.
I get it. He was the "King of Pop," his album "Thriller" is still the top selling album of all time, and he changed the way we view and hear music even today. Really, I get it. But, I still a little bitter. It all goes back to 1983 for me...
I was in the 3rd grade in Mrs. Dixon's class at McRae Elementary. One of my classmates, RaeLynn, always brought things to school to sell. At the time, that didn't seem all that unusual, but now looking back, I wonder who exactly lets an eight-year-old girl peddle items to her peers? And an even better question is why the school let it go on. Anything from homemade, teddy bear shaped lollipops to my all-time favorite, the coveted, amazing, one-of-a-kind Michael Jackson purse.
It was such a cute little carryall. I can still picture it now. It was solid black with a shoulder strap that could have doubled as a black shoestring and right there on the front was a picture of MJ himself in white. I was in love. The price? $5.00.
Seems like a deal in 2009, but in 1983, things were really tight for us. I begged and pleaded with my mom for five bucks, but my constant nagging, as I had assumed, went unrewarded. No purse for me. I would have to settle for looking at Mandy M's latest MJ accessory. She was so cool.
And it didn't help matters that she walked around taunting me with it. She'd carry it different ways just to annoy me..."normally" as one would expect to carry such a kickass handbag, casually without the shoestring strap, or my absolute favorite diagonally across her body. Any way she carried it spelled trouble for me and my now overwhelming envy.
And what did she carry in there anyway? We didn't wear make-up, and we didn't need feminine products just yet (thank God). Maybe she just carried around to see what else she could buy from RaeLynn and shove in there.
I have no idea whatever happened to RaeLynn or Mandy ***insert sarcasm here*** but just in case either one of them is reading this, I would like to tell you something. Something I've been meaning to say for years now...
"Beat It" Mandy. I've moved on. I now carry a purse that my little sister bought me from the Sarah Jessica Parker collection at Steve & Barry's. And yes, it cost $9.99, so if my math is correct, that's exactly double what your purse costs. It's big enough to carry around my wallet, gum, crayons, and even my cell phone (assuming it's charged and I know where it is).
There. Deep cleansing breath, and I'm done.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Rise and Fall of Jon & Kate: An Insider's Look into the Genre of Reality Television
Okay, so I'm not an insider by any means of the Jon and Kate phenomenon, but I do watch more than my fair share of reality television, so I do have some insight into our recent "development." So, here we go...
Dear Kate:
I've watched your show for years now.
I really loved the fact that your husband went off to work and you stayed home with eight, count them EIGHT, little ones. I was exhausted with my mere two, and here you sit with six more than me. Either I'm a complete loser or you're nothing short of a modern day Mary Magdalene. I applaud you, I really do.
I loved the fact that you fit all eight of your litter in one, rather compact home. They were always fighting over the same toy, constantly throwing temper tantrums and fits, and always peeing (or worse) on the floor. It was great television for stay-at-home and working moms alike across our cable T.V. viewing country. So, I was thrilled, maybe even a little jealous, when you got the tummy tuck.
I mean, shut-up girl. You spent months on bed rest IN a hospital with a severely overstretched stomach centered with a belly button that was just screaming for someone to draw large, black circles around it thus making it a moving dartboard . You deserve to do something nice for yourself. Go for it.
I didn't even care when Jon had his hair transplant. I mean, yes, he was losing his hair, but it didn't seem that overwhelming to me. Nonetheless, I say take it. If it's being offered free of charge and your kind brother and his pretty redheaded wife are willing to take care of all of the kids, I say heck yeah, bring on the follicle support.
It was fun that you went to various places around your hometown with the kids. I enjoyed seeing your church, where you bought groceries, and the little kids' preschool. Very cool. I wasn't even that put-off when you went skiing in Utah or to Disney World, even though I had never been to either place.
But, I think we crossed the line when we took the entire family on an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii for a wedding rededication ceremony. Really? Was that entirely necessary? Yes, yes, I know Jon's family lives in Hawaii, but you didn't seem all that interested in getting to know them. You seemed more into your designer wedding gown and complimentary spa treatments than into meeting your in-laws. And now, all of the sudden, it seems you've gotten too big for your britches, as my dad would say. That one episode alone was enough for me to re-examine my TIVO lineup and delete my season pass.
You more than double your filming from the first season, get complete body makeovers, and move into a multi-million dollar house and now all of the sudden your "documentary" has turned into a paparazzi chasing, media frenzy. The viewers suddenly turned on you, and we now hold you somewhere between Amy Fisher and Michael Jackson.
Now it seems that all the crap you've dealt out to your husband has come back to bite you. No more "it's a crazy life, but it's our life" and "we're in this together" intro into your show. Should have thought about that before treating your husband like he was just another one of your many disposable diapers.
So, what's a thirty-something, mother of eight to do? Go on with the popular reality show where you get paid to go to the zoo, create pottery, and make cupcakes or get a regular 9-5 job and keep your family together. Hmmm. Guess you'll have to think about that one for a while.
My advice? Get out while you can. Try to scrap together any shred of sanity you have left and move to Zimbabwe. Give your sweet kids a break before we see them on an episode of "Reality Show Kids of the Past" and they're talking about their tormented childhoods.
P.S. I like the white, wide-rimmed sunglasses. Do you mind telling me where you got those?
A concerned ex-fan,
Heather
Dear Kate:
I've watched your show for years now.
I really loved the fact that your husband went off to work and you stayed home with eight, count them EIGHT, little ones. I was exhausted with my mere two, and here you sit with six more than me. Either I'm a complete loser or you're nothing short of a modern day Mary Magdalene. I applaud you, I really do.
I loved the fact that you fit all eight of your litter in one, rather compact home. They were always fighting over the same toy, constantly throwing temper tantrums and fits, and always peeing (or worse) on the floor. It was great television for stay-at-home and working moms alike across our cable T.V. viewing country. So, I was thrilled, maybe even a little jealous, when you got the tummy tuck.
I mean, shut-up girl. You spent months on bed rest IN a hospital with a severely overstretched stomach centered with a belly button that was just screaming for someone to draw large, black circles around it thus making it a moving dartboard . You deserve to do something nice for yourself. Go for it.
I didn't even care when Jon had his hair transplant. I mean, yes, he was losing his hair, but it didn't seem that overwhelming to me. Nonetheless, I say take it. If it's being offered free of charge and your kind brother and his pretty redheaded wife are willing to take care of all of the kids, I say heck yeah, bring on the follicle support.
It was fun that you went to various places around your hometown with the kids. I enjoyed seeing your church, where you bought groceries, and the little kids' preschool. Very cool. I wasn't even that put-off when you went skiing in Utah or to Disney World, even though I had never been to either place.
But, I think we crossed the line when we took the entire family on an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii for a wedding rededication ceremony. Really? Was that entirely necessary? Yes, yes, I know Jon's family lives in Hawaii, but you didn't seem all that interested in getting to know them. You seemed more into your designer wedding gown and complimentary spa treatments than into meeting your in-laws. And now, all of the sudden, it seems you've gotten too big for your britches, as my dad would say. That one episode alone was enough for me to re-examine my TIVO lineup and delete my season pass.
You more than double your filming from the first season, get complete body makeovers, and move into a multi-million dollar house and now all of the sudden your "documentary" has turned into a paparazzi chasing, media frenzy. The viewers suddenly turned on you, and we now hold you somewhere between Amy Fisher and Michael Jackson.
Now it seems that all the crap you've dealt out to your husband has come back to bite you. No more "it's a crazy life, but it's our life" and "we're in this together" intro into your show. Should have thought about that before treating your husband like he was just another one of your many disposable diapers.
So, what's a thirty-something, mother of eight to do? Go on with the popular reality show where you get paid to go to the zoo, create pottery, and make cupcakes or get a regular 9-5 job and keep your family together. Hmmm. Guess you'll have to think about that one for a while.
My advice? Get out while you can. Try to scrap together any shred of sanity you have left and move to Zimbabwe. Give your sweet kids a break before we see them on an episode of "Reality Show Kids of the Past" and they're talking about their tormented childhoods.
P.S. I like the white, wide-rimmed sunglasses. Do you mind telling me where you got those?
A concerned ex-fan,
Heather
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