Christmas, the Way I See It

There's nothing I love more than Christmas. I do. I always have. I delight in Christmas lights. I adore Christmas music, both the secular variety as well as the traditional hymns. And I love, love LOVE watching my kids' sleepy faces as they throw open their presents with delight at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning.

Those are the things I love.

But, of course, all good memories in my cynical mind must come to an abrupt, screeching halt, and I eventually must wake up in the midst of the chaos our society has created for us as we celebrate the birth of our Savior.

1) Black Friday. GOOD GOD. Why in the world we let toy and electronic companies decide what we buy is totally beyond my realm of thinking. These manufacturers undoubtedly have to pay to get their products in the now infamous Thanksgiving Day circulars and for some crazy reason we all fall into their bottomless marketing ploys and buy what they tell us is a good deal. Ridiculous.

2) Salvation Army kettles. I know, I know. I might be sealing my spiritual fate for this one, but SERIOUSLY people. If you ring that bell in my face with your "Have a Merry Christmas" sad face one more time I swear I just might take you down. I LOVE the Salvation Army; I shop at your thrift stores all the time, but until you start taking debit cards at all of your
134, 247 Wal-Mart stores and Supercenters across the state of Arkansas, please don't mess with me anymore.

3) You, your best friend, and your first cousin's girlfriend ...in my stores. One of the biggest perks to being a SAHM is the endless ability to shop in the middle of the day, but it really complicates things when you're there with me. So, please, I beg you, go back to work and leave the shopping to me and my retired friends. I can take them any day of the week.

4) My Family. I love you guys...I really, really do, but when we get together it's like me multiplied by 1,000. 'Nough said.

5) Endless gift exchanges. We're really just exchanging same dollar amount gift cards at this point. Let's just forget it and move on.

6) Christmas dinner at my in-laws. Let's just say I'll never buy my mother-in-law engraved rocks with each of her eight grand kids names on them EVER again.

7) My Beloved Target. You know I love you, Target. But why do you hide all your good deals from me each year when Christmas rolls around? I'm guessing that reason #3, as indicated above, has something to do with it.

8) Christmas Birthdays. That just sucks all the way around for you people. The birth of Jesus is just more important than yours. Sorry 'bout that.

9) Pet stockings. It's a dog. It's a cat. No, they don't realize what Christmas is, and no, they don't feel left out. THEY ARE ANIMALS, so please don't send me another Christmas card with your cats wearing Santa hats. It's almost unbearable for me.

10) Keeping up with the Joneses. Yes, Robert, down the street this one's for you: I can see your 25 blow-up Santas, reindeer, and snowmen from my front porch. AND I can hear that giant Christmas tree that is somehow engineered and synchronized to flash Christmas lights and play Christmas carols all at the same time. Yes. Your yard is kicking my yard's ass. That is clear.

And somehow I still managed to avert yet another Christmas season without a panic attack. Go figure.