The. Breast. Center. Maybe it's just me, but simply hearing the three words together makes it a bit difficult to understand exactly what this establishment is. Should I go there to get some enhancing in my obviously lacking cleavage area, or should I expect Bambi to show up next to my bar stool with a Cosmo in hand?
And poor Ken can't speak the three words together without chuckling out loud a bit. (Good thing he didn't see the paperwork.) I had no earthly idea what to expect, but I knew it was something that I needed to do sooner rather than later.
So, today, at the ripe 'ole age of 33-and-three-quarters, was my appointment for my first ever mammogram. Yikes. Ouch. I was scared stiff. And when I found out that I couldn't wear deodorant, I wanted to scream out over the phone, "It's LATE JULY, people!" Whatever. Surely it wouldn't kill me.
Whoever said that a mammogram was painful has obviously never delivered and breastfed a 9 lb., 15 oz. newborn baby. Breastfeeding is much more painful than a mammogram, hands down. Today I saw no needles, no blood, and no hands in holes they shouldn't be in. Nothing. I've had blood pressure cuffs be more painful that this.
I am, however, feeling a hint of discrimination. So, on behalf of all small to average breasted women out there, I must ask...is there a reason the platform has to be so large? I mean really? I took up maybe one-sixteenth of the allotted square. Really? Are there women out there that take up the entire thing? Holy crap.
And I'm not really sure why the examiner feels the need to carry on a conversation with me while I'm half naked. Pardon my rudeness, but I CANNOT talk with you while I'm wearing a sideways-turned, polka-dotted smock and exposing everything God gave me. Sorry. I can't. It's weird, and I'm not going to do it. But I am thrilled for you that you have two children and three amazing grandchildren. Really I am. Couldn't be happier, but shouldn't you be clicking something over there on your computer?
BTW, to all of you with computer speakers, I just couldn't resist this song. I'm not apologizing for it. Gotta have some fun with all of this.
